Initiations into Motherhood

Yesterday, it hit me that these may be the last couple years of my life as I know it… these will be the last days before I become a mother.

I have yet to meet the beings I will love with all my heart. I have yet to meet myself, and who I will become when I am a mama.

I have yet to walk through that sacred initiation of life… I have yet to become that portal between worlds and breathe life into this world, in the way billions before me have done.

It is the most natural thing, and yet… it is magical, miraculous, and quite literally out of this world.

I have always wanted to become a mother. That has always been in the background, humming quietly.

I am shifting, I am healing, I am growing — so I can become a better mother. I am learning to meet and see myself fully — so that one day, I can fully meet and see my children. Joel and I are journeying into the depths of our love, our communication, our trust — and everything we have experienced together, and individually, will be our foundation for this initiation into parenthood.

Motherhood is an initiation that has always felt far away… But now, the timeline is becoming clearer — more present, more logistical, more real… as we walk hand-in-hand into our engagement, our marriage, our next chapter.

This future feels right around the corner — and when it comes, I will be ready. But right now, I want to savor these present moments… I want to fully appreciate the beauty of my maidenhood… My beloved freedom to do whatever, whenever I want… My long, luxurious days with nothing planned at all… The peace and joy I have created within me, and around me.

I often forget to appreciate it all. But change always makes the present more bittersweet, more potent.

Like I have done with my entire life, I will pave my own path with motherhood… I will meet it fully, surrendering to however it is wanting to move through me — and at the same time, I will write my own rules. I will make it mine. I will create my own experience.

This is exciting and scary — and I know everything will change. And so, right now… I want to walk through my last years of maidenhood with reverence, with appreciation, with love… for the me I am now — the version of me I will never be again. And for my life, this beautiful life I have created thus far.

All these years, I have faced the most painful wounds in my being, I have cracked open my heart, I have felt the raw power of my own love… I have done this, for myself. And for my future family.

To my future children… Maybe I have gone through all of this, maybe my heart has opened this wide — so that I can hold even more love. For you.

Written with love,

Ashmi